I'm friends with my only best friend.
I'm friends with my only best friend's best friend.

Finally, I'm getting my life back.

Tipping someone who hasn't earned it only because you don't want to look cheap.

Late fees for a video you didn't have time to watch.

The second-to-last day of a two-week vacation.

Realising after several attempts that you've been trying to insert a three-prong plug into a two-prog outlet.

Banana bruises that aren't visible on the outside of the peel.

When a homely person compliments you on your looks, forcing you either to return the compliment insincerely or say 'thanks' without saying anything more, thereby removing any doubt that you don't find him attractive.

Accidentally setting your alarm clock for P.M. instead of A.M.

Wondering, based on his answers, if the person you're copying from knows less than you.

People who have no clue how loudly they talk.

Being unable to twist a jar open and unwilling to let someone else give it a try.

People who keep their clock set 10 minutes fast "in case I need extra time".

Having no clue when to use a semicolon.

Rearranging heavy furniture, then realising you liked it better before.

Realising you were wearing the same outfit the last time you hung out with this person.

When the teacher erases the entire whiteboard but misses one prominent mark.

Receiving a birthday card 8 days before your birthday.

Biting your cheek on the swollen area where you've previously bitten it.

When the waiter asks, "Is everything alright here?", right after you've taken a big bite out of your sandwich, causing you to grunt your response.

Not liking the gift you pulled out of the grab bag as much as the one you put into it.

People who are afraid to step on an escalator, missed it, "How bout this one? No, not that one! Wait, not that one either! That one! No, not that one!"

People who point at their wrists while asking for the time.

When you're paying for something at a store and they ask you what Zipcode you live in.

When the driver pushes the unlock button but you pull the handle at the same moment and remain locked out.

The momentary frenzy that ensues the instant the cashier calls out, "This register is now open!"

When the brief thrill of making the yellow light ends, and you're bored again.

Being the last person on a long line that no one else seems to be getting on.

When a stranger asks you for the time and you fear that you won't be able to answer in an appropriate time span cause you blurt out, "9:17. No! 10:17!! No!!! 9:17!"

Wondering if the appetizer you're sharing with a friend is being divided evenly.

Walking by the same person you've already walked by in the Dairy, Produce and Frozen Food sections.

Watching a movie with your parents that shows nudity.

An open parenthesis that is never closed, eg. (like this

If a kid asks where does the rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."